My Pursuit of Happiness
These past four months I decided to just think about me. Yeah it sounds selfish but hear me out. I’ve spent a lot of years of my life worrying about others and making them happy. I was always and still am the one everyone pours their burdens on. Don’t get me wrong I will always be there for my friends and family. Its just very second nature of me to lend a helping hand. I love to help and know that even if all I did was say a joke, I touched a life in the simplest way; and for that I am grateful.
This passed year has been nothing but crazy. I lost sight of what my true dreams and goals where and got so lost that the only focus on my mind was survival. Four months ago I got the opportunity to start over and as easy of a decision that may sound it was one of the toughest. I didn’t wanna be even further away from my friends but I’d be so much closer to my family. I didn’t want to leave my job and routine.
Once I left, everyone wished me their best; but my true few act like I never left. That’s exactly what I wanted. I came to a realization that my true friends my not be physically here with me but still motivate me because they can understand the meaning of finding oneself. They don’t call me to tell me I’ve changed. They don’t call me to bring me down. They don’t call me to tell me they gave up on me. They call me and tell me that they are excited that things are looking up, that I’m reaching the goals I have set. Positive thoughts. I wasn’t happy in Albany, I wasn’t focused on me.
I came back home and as much as I hate this small town I am a million times happier. I came home with the mentality of a “finding myself phase” and I can finally say I feel like I’m there but not quite done. Well ill never be done, everyday I learn something new. Throughout this phase I find myself socializing less and people being offended by that. But where were you when I was sinking and why can’t you be supportive in my decision to better myself? I just don’t get it. I just wanna spread my happiness to people now a days! I used to get upset at the tiniest comments and now I feel like nothing can phase me. Now that feeling is so indescribable. The mind is a very powerful weapon, feed it with positive and powerful things and imagine how indestructible you’ll become!
Let me end with the cliche quote that says if you can’t love me at my worse than what makes you think you can love me at my best? I’m not trying to dismiss people because that is not my intention. I will always be there and give my 100 to those that want it. I just want to say that its ok to be a little selfish and work on your inner self. Cuz if you don’t love yourself, then who will? :)
Those days when you’re not talking to someone who talks to you everyday.
Like there’s something missing in your life…
:(
There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone, it wasn’t cause I thought I’d be happy alone it was because I thought if I loved someone and it fell apart I might not make it, its easier to be alone because wat if u learn you need love and don’t have it? What if u like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage its like dying. The only difference is death ends. This, it can go on forever
Self-reflection
*Rain*
I stood there today, in the middle of the rain. Wishing all the raindrops would wash away the pain. Wishing everytime you run that you would just stay. And when the raindrops hit me they simmered my flames. The flames of hurt, the flames of pain; and even with all that downpour there still was a stain, a scar of love that you thought was a game.
-ME
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person wanders into your stupid life… you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should just be friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. Its a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
You can pretend to have an air about you but it is quickly deflated, but you cannot deflate presence. Presence walks into a room and surrounds and fills anything that’s in that room without trying to demand it, it takes it. It can come from a smile. Like I said, love makes you beautiful. What is beautiful radiates.
love doesn’t walk away, people do…
(“p)
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